Community. What a buzzword that’s become, huh?
We are in the midst of a loneliness epidemic so it makes sense that this is the buzzword of the season.
I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do a little research and guess what I found? A fat old static from our friends at Harvard that reports: “People between 30-44 years of age were the loneliest group — 29% of people in this age range said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely. Among 18–29-year-olds — the rate was 24%.”
Does this make sense to you? It does to me and to be honest, I feel like the numbers seem a little low.
Let me alarm you once more with another fancy statistic: “In the report, 81% of adults who were lonely also said they suffered with anxiety or depression compared to 29% of those who were less lonely.”
When we talk about community and connection sometimes it feels like a nice-to-have, but the reality is (and what the percentages above imply) that it is everything.
Human connection is our life force. A fundamental human need!
But what does community really mean? What does it feel like? What does it look like? I’ll tell you what I know…
Let’s start with: what does community really mean?
I’ll say this until my face turns blue: get good at defining things for yourself. What community means to me may be different than what it means to you and when you can define it for yourself it will be much easier to find.
Before I found a community for myself it felt like this very obscure thing. Like being assigned to take part in a scavenger hunt where the desired object has no shape.
Somehow, some way, my brain made me believe that community meant 100s of awkward conversations and small talk that would only result in the overwhelm that comes with having SO many friends, so many people to keep up with, and so many names to remember.
ERNT. Wrong.
To my delight, I’ve found that community is simply an acknowledgment of your fellow humans in a space that feels casual and comfortable to you. It’s similar interests, familiar names and faces, and the appreciation, recognition, and gratitude for the people around you.
(Brief intermission because I can’t help by hear the Cheers theme song in my head when I think of this, and now you must as well.)
Community is saying hello to the same guy you see enter the doors at precisely 1:30 pm every day and perch himself on the high top, smiling politely at everyone who passes by.
It’s taking extra care to not only give your attention to the cute dog that sits quietly while his owner exercises his networking skills but to acknowledge the networker themselves—asking for BOTH of their names.
Most of all, it’s the evolution from simply knowing the name of the barista who makes your matcha 4x a week to tumbling towards each other and embracing after being out of town for a few days.
Where have you been?!?
We missed you.
How’s that project going?
Did you start the Artist’s Way, yet?
I finally watched the documentary you told me about—loved!
I saw you launched your podcast, that’s amazing!
Hey, I checked out the bookstore on Main Street, so good! Thank you for the recommendation.
It’s conversations like these where you build a sanctuary.
What does community feel like?
It feels easy, effortless like it was placed in your lap/
There is no pressure to be anything, do anything, or perform in any way. It is existing as you are, where you are. You don’t owe favors or time. You offer them if and when you want to.
There is a sweet sincerity that is folded within it. The true joy that comes from someone who is genuinely interested in hearing about an update about your transformation, latest passion project, dating adventure, or vacation.
Ah, and let us not forget how supported you feel when you step into community. If you’re struggling to get your Squarespace site to upload your latest video, there is always someone who knows how to help. Looking for a meditation/yoga retreat? Someone knows someone who knows someone who can get you signed up—with a discount! Do you want to career pivot? There’s a story of possibility just waiting to be told but someone who has been exactly where you are.
That’s community, baby.
It also feels exciting, lighthearted, friendly, and sometimes even flirty. (Yes, flirty!)
How do you find community?
Let’s not make this more complicated than it is. To find community, you must look for it. Here are the steps:
Decide you want a community and you’re committed to finding it. Don’t freaking skip this step.
Determine what you want out of your community.
Follow the pull of your heart that shows you where it may be. Stay in the curious discovery of connection.
Don’t go to the same place once and then let your brain tell you it’s never going to work. Go again and again. Give it at least 5 attempts.
Allow yourself to test drive different options. Never settle for good enough. Not in dating, not in community, not ever.
Don’t let yourself get discouraged if you’re not finding what you’re looking for. Try another coffee shop, or join a sports club, or go to the library. Get creative before you throw in the towel.
Talk to people. Say hi, and acknowledge their presence. Tell them your name. Tell them what you like about them. Tell them what you like about you. Rinse repeat.
Listen, this journey is going to be different for everyone but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt it’s worth finding. We are not meant to be alone in this world, and what’s more, is that we are meant to evolve alongside each other.